my mind is a battlefield.

why dont i ever see anything coming? i mean, i consider myself an observant person. i see TOO much going on which is basically why i cant sleep at night or choose not to. but why do i seem so shocked with other people's behavior when they never really made an effort to hide who they really are? i just never discerned it

friggin rhetorics. it's vague... i know. if this were a point in a debate, i wouldve been overruled. screw that. i was never good at it so why apply the terms? these questions may seem irrelevant but i have a point.

kat, dearie. you dont perceive things as they are because you're too busy thinking about yourself and your own concerns.

excuuuuuuuse me?!?!

you see people the way you want to see them, as they fit in your focal point... your own view of things. you're so busy seeing people at that angle, things included, that you dont really see what's going on.

christ... you dont understand! you make me sound so bad. i always thought i had a big heart... if people get a chance to actually get to know me... but the thing is, i dont care much for them. so what's the point in playing a charade of those annoying getting-to-know-you's instead of just living your life the way you want it. you're only young once.

yeah, exactly. so stop wasting your time dwelling on your sweet nothings and bitter stances and do something with your life! you've always been driven. staying locked up is making things worse. football did you good... why not go back to your old routine?

i'm free... yet i feel so trapped. what's the point of being allowed to go out when you have to be home before 12 (earlier preferrably)? what's the use of spilling the specifics of your whereabouts and the people you're going to hang out with when they obviously dont know who those people are? i lock myself up because i tend to hurt people unintentionally and i develop desires that are way out of my league. the last time i went for a dream, i ended up scarred. philippine team try-outs. ackk,..

you're scared. you know it. wanna know something else? i dont think you have esteem issues at all... your ego is perfectly fine. the only reason you put yourself down is because you want people to contradict your statements and tell you how GREAT you are at things you do and how good you look. katrina... you're a god damned pathological fisher.

you're not helping at all. i'll leave now. hasta luego.

see... you seek answers and yet when someone comes forward and lashes it out on you, you just leave. you're so proud. why on earth are you doing this?

doing what? what the hell do you want from me? i cant help it if im like this. and mind you, i do feel obsolete... i feel i'm never good enough because people tell me that im not. but i never let that put me down, i use those criticisms as a motivation. i really have to go. dont you ever bring this up.

why do you always push me away? you always push people away. you try to avert the attention to something else. you become all bitter and your words are biting. most people who dont care would just walk away.

huh, what?

dont pretend you dont know what i'm talking about. it's a classic defense mechanism. you're pretty good at it you know. and yet you complain you feel like you dont have real friends and people call you names. it's noone else's fault but your own. be more open-minded kat, it'll do you good. good night.

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you know what... you are so effing right. it really bothers me how you were able to psychoanalyze me just like that. it's not fair. you always attack my thoughts and you leave me here miserable thinking that i have to live with myself the rest of my life. my words are poison, true. but i too, have the remedy. all you have to do is ask...

i dont want to lay down all the things that bother me. they're too many and i dont think i'll ever be in a comfort zone to share. it's one of those instances when it's better to keep things inside coz releasing your storm will only make things worse. noone ever sympathizes anyway. dont judge me just yet... you dont know anything.

how would you feel if all your hard work wont ever suffice?
how would you cope if you really really really want something you cant have?
how do you stop time to remain a kid forever?
how do you erase everything unpleasant in your life?

christ kat. stop thinking about yourself. stop thinking. period!

it's so ironic. i appear so bitter. truth is... i am HAPPY. but then writing good things dont really provoke thoughts.

i can do so much better than that.