Sunday, January 09, 2005

how do you put into words something you cant explain? something too intricate, personal and is the concern of your ultimate bothers. i can ramble on complaining about what i dont have, what doesnt happen... on how things dont go the way i expect them to but when i actually think about it, it's uber pointless. i find it hard to process things in my head and when i get the reaction i want to express, it's too late.

i had this dream last night when i was in the car. i was so happy... i was 11 years old and i was so glad my friend gave me a HUGE lollipop. if only things are that simple. how i wish it was. we just watched chasing liberty when denise and i got to my house in crame. i'd rather not say what happened before that... and i was struck by one of mandy moore's theories:

telling the truth isnt always good and lying isnt always bad. good things come from lying while bad things can come from telling the truth. when bad things come from telling the truth then it's better to tell a lie. although hiding half the truth is the same as lying, it wouldnt be half as bad.

or something like that... it makes sense in it's folly... i have my own theories but i'll just keep them to myself. if only people could be so bold, so unmindful in their quest for freedom, then i guess that's the life i want to live. freedom from what exactly? i dont know... but i feel as if i'm in a cage.

it made me think of what i did today. i went through all the trouble just to get a glimpse of something... ughhh... and i was beginning to think it wasnt worth it. i felt sick to my stomache the whole time and i couldnt talk. i felt weak and helpless without knowing why. i found myself lying on the couch wishing, just wishing something good will come out of that little escapade but i guess i expected too much. i cant stop talking about a certain topic though i try so hard to forget about it. it's like my mouth and my brain conspire against me to do all that i try to avoid doing. i become oblivious. i zone out. then when back to consciousness, i blurt out whatever it is that was in my head. and i just feel so embarrassed after when i see the look on people's faces. is it astonishment? surprise... shock? it might even be wonder coz after i let it out i leave them with their mouths agape, silent for an entire minute or 2 and just staring at me.

*****: kaaaaaaaat! where does all this come from? you're making yourself suffer!!!
kat: it's my passion. ;p

i've been so bothered lately... and i guess it shows. all these insecurities stream for a common cause. i want to forget. i really do. but the things i see make it so hard: the store my brother gets his toys from, the street my friend lives in, the store we passed by just as marla was saying stop thinking about it, the fruit that i like, his name. oh that name that always rings in my head, the name i turn my head to when called... the reason for all this anxiety, though not really. this isnt right. i get so disturbed when people ask me what's wrong coz everytime i cant seem to give them an answer. the things is... there's probably no answer, there never will be. sometimes i jst like mentioning some quasi-personal concerns just so that i'll have a hug or a shoulder to lean on. i like being comforted. i love the thought that people actually care. but nothing ever comes out of it since i'm not completely honest with what bothers me... i cant say... it's just too much.

liking a person is such a bitch. not liking one... that's a completely different thing. i just want a real conversation... someone i could trust, a person who's willing to listen. a lot of people tell me to vent it out yet i choose not to. my thoughts are my own... i cant expect people to understand them. is it bad to choose who i share my concerns with? i really dont feel like doing anything anymore... i find it so hard to let this feeling go. everything else conspires against it.

it is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which, if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it.

*sigh* jane eyre... ack. i lost 6 pounds this week. this is really hurting me, in every way possible. i am not in love... please.

i want an exit. i want to escape. if only it was just that easy to runaway. not in a literal sense perhaps... but just... have a taste of the ultimate freedom; the one i've been longing for, for soooo long with the people i care about. i find that so impossible though coz i always have to be home at a certain time. i pray to god to make my parents more lenient and understanding. and to have the knowledge that people like me arent meant to stay indoors or remain idle... coz that's where lunatic depth comes from.

i'm beginning to loathe desires. i have too much of them and they make me feel so incomplete. it scares me to think that i am afraid of so many things: failure, rejection, disappointment, getting hurt. i dont want to be afraid. i just want to ride the roller coaster of life, just as gabby said. but i find the thought completely improbable and so not me. i dont even know why i'm so distressed right now. i just am. i know what i want... but i dont know how to handle situations when my desires are in my reach. but that doesnt last... feelings can change over night. i may not know how i'd be like tomorrow or the day after that, one thing's for sure though...i dont need people or things to complete me. i am complete on my own. but then knowing that kills... coz i will always feel like there's something missing.

i want to become normal, to be free of all these... thoughts.

bt then... what is normal? enlighten me... coz i really dont know. make me quiescent. anything is better than this.




leaving skool nothing to see here at 3:35 AM

{xoxo}