[i started this entry last wednesday at 2am and finished 2 hours after. i edited it today, the 24th. so i guess the cards are laid down now. these feelings have been suppressed for weeks, months even.. depending on the subject. and i'm telling you... the anonymity of it all is required because these thoughts are just too detrimental yet this is as REAL as i can get... dont judge me... i know some part of you people feel the same. i just had to let it all out.]

this is the low-down... i've been drinkin my brains out the past few days [and weekends, hehe]. misery has it's way of taking a toll on you, leaving you with the desire to just be with someone to hangout with, have someone to talk to... coz you know that when you stay within your own walls, there's a bigger chance of you getting hit by lightning compared to actually attaining that feeling of content and happiness. happiness... aah... even though short-lived, is something i will never pass up an opportunity on. with every encounter, friendships were formed, bonds were strengthened, topics were discussed, people were comforted, thirsts were quenched, secrets were revealed but gah... questions addressed to me still remained unanswered basically because i dont know what to say. i finally found the strength to write these conversational poo-poo's all down. here are some of the random thoughts. they're too general... i guess i'll forever keep you people guessing. that has always been the fun part :D so here goes...

i cant help but feel like SHIT. i feel like i wasted my whole life. i lived in the fantasy of staying out of trouble and just being in good company... to please the parents, to please the friends, to make everyone happy for that fact. i forgot to take myself into consideration first, i neglected how i felt. i sacrificed my own happiness because i gave up the lifestyle that i have always gotten used to just to say that i am a good student, a good daughter. but since my "awakening"... i got sick of living the lie. i got tired of keeping all these feelings inside. i was keen on reinventing my definition of good company and indeed i have done just that. these are the people who would accept me for who i am, that even if i slip and reveal the gory details, all the truths of my real self and my fucked up theories, they wouldnt pull away. instead, they would either give me a pat on the back, a high five, a hug and the lasting oath that they will always be there, no matter what. i have found the ideal "good company" in people, both expected and unexpected... it's the greatest feeling. i was so overwhelmed by all these events and for the first time, in my own amazement, i broke down and cried.

i'm not an idiot... i know booze and gateways will just numb the pain. they wont make the hurt go away. but all these things, all the truths, the lies... the vagueness is just totally excruciating. i at least need something to appease me, even if it isnt what people would consider acceptable. i wanted to become oblivious... to have the heavens in my grasp so i just kept on gazing up, trying to grab something i can never get a hold of. i wanted to reach for the stars, pick em all and put them in my pocket, or place them in any body part so somehow, in some way, i can still say... i'm glowing. i want to kiss the sun and stare at it, just like i used to. i want to be convinced that i am somebody... so that even just for a night... i could be proud that i have self-worth, be in an illusion that even though i am not ms. hilton, i too am worth a trillion bucks. but then i woke up... and everything came crashing down. AGAIN.

i wish i could turn back time. i would make everything right... i wouldn't have let these things pass... i would've fixed it. i would've said what i still hide. i wouldn't have lost the people i dear most, i would've gotten a hold of my dreams, i would've figured out who i really am or at least have an inkling of what i want to be. but now... i'm just so LOST. i thought i was strong enough to handle things on my own... punyeta. i was so WRONG.

i miss my barkada!!!

{xoxo}